Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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