I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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