All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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