After last night, I could never be a politician.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
