You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
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