I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I supernannyed him into submission
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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