so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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