I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
