So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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