He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
