Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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