Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
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Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
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On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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