the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Houston, we have a blender
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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