a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
