maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
