i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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