I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
