sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Randomize
