Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
