Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
