I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
the day after is always just damage control
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
