My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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