You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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