I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
