my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Randomize
