I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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