It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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