my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
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