...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You ruined the universe
Randomize
