I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
