We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
