do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
