We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
