I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
