Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
