What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
