I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
