I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
