I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
