I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
