i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
