Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
