my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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