so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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