I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
