Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
