I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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