it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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