I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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