roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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