i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
