I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
