the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
