life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
That was before I lit my hair on fire
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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